Rebirth: Cognito Ergo Sum

The Planner. Perfect marriage material. But completely wrong for me.
The Ape. A Perfect match. But lacking in vision and passion.
The Stranger. A work in progress. Should I follow through?

With the Planner, I always thought we would end up together, already knowing what we would name our kids and where we would get married, and what our wedding would be like. And logically, I know we would never work out. However, there's still some part of me that hopes beyond all reason. He picks me up when I am down. If only he hadn't pulled such a number on me. I honestly don't know why I let his words and actions affect me so much. I shouldn't have let him get to me. And yet in spite of what my conscious and subconscious mind appear to think, my heart is still saying "don't let go, hold on til the end" - but I'm not entirely sure that's what I intend to do.

The Stranger on the other hand, has potential. But in all honesty, I just don't see us going anywhere. Perhaps that is just because I don't know him that well. Maybe I should give him a shot.

I want to drown, in a deep, dark abyss and submerge myself in a black cloud of sorrow and despair. Isolate myself from the world. Succumb to my wailing desperation. Swim in these dark pools of blood-stained madness. I want to lost myself and be reborn. I was not meant for such melancholic non-sense. I was meant to dive into darkness and emerge among the skies, following a thunderous storm, with a rainbow shining brightly. Dripping with water, renewed by the light, my heart patched up all over again, stronger and sturdier with every heartbreak. Determination growing deep inside of me: I can be whoever I want to be. I am in charge (and therefore responsible) of my own actions. I am in charge of my own attitude. "I think, therefore I am" - Cognito Ergo Sum.

What's the world coming to?

2 year old girl passed by 18 other people before one woman decides to help the little girl out. Where has the morality of the world gone to? Am I living in a little bubble? How could I have been that naive and idealistic to think this world is worth saving? Ah..maybe it still is...

HOPE by: Emily Dickinson

Hope is the thing with feathers 

That perches in the soul, 

And sings the tune--without the words, 

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard; 

And sore must be the storm 

That could abash the little bird 

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land, 

And on the strangest sea; 

Yet, never, in extremity, 

It asked a crumb of me.

Escondida

Escondida, me ahogo en el fondo de mi alma,
Gritando en silencio y desesperación.
Me encuentro con mi propia sombra
compartiendo esta solitud eterna.

Las murallas crecen y rodean mi corazón
Las cadenas aprietan, asegurados por un candado.

Destinada a refugiarme dentro de estos muros,
La sangre que fluye, limitada, ocultando mis sentimientos.
Las lágrimas no se me paran de salir,

Perdida, lo busco en mis sueños
en una nube de recuerdos
hasta que el fantasma de angustia  y dolor
desvanece.

its been a hectic week...

What a crazy week. Last Friday he asked me to ring him and straight away says he doesn't want to be friends. And then today, we're talking as if we were friends. I have no idea what the hell is going through his mind.

On the other hand, my visa is advancing slowly, but surely (at least I hope so)

My dad's surgery was cancelled, as the chemo and radiotherapy have narrowed his trachea, so they were unable to intubate him.

And finally, I saw the Planner this weekend. I love him to bits. He's one of the sweetest people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Of course, if I could only meet a guy like him, I'd be super happy. Obviously without it being him. I'm not sure why I'm so averse to the idea of us being together, but I get the impression that if we were together we would both end up being miserable. There are plenty of things I love about him. But...I'm not really his type. And there's something that's off between us if we were to even try being in a relationship. It's hard to write about this cause I'm already super confused.

He's sweet, understanding, attentive, a great listener, reasonable, clever, ambitious, just the right amount of jealous, the sex is amazing (as in seriously mind-blowing), he's caring, funny, kind, super sexy and he's always there for me. So now you're probably wondering why the hell aren't we together, right? I wish I could explain it with words. But I think it boils down to I'm not really his ideal type...so because he would be miserable, I would be miserable, and we would never last. But it's not just that, I don't think we're great at bouncing off each other in conversation...there's not much banter. We're quite alike, I guess. But we make great friends! I do love him very much as a friend...but in spite of our history, I just couldn't see myself sleeping with him or anyone else again at the moment...And definitely not a one night stand. Funny how time changes things, eh? Well, I better go to bed.

Waiting for the sunshine that follows the rain...

I broke up with him on Friday. He said nothing. No reaction at all. All he has done is message me to let me know he needs some time to digest. If I had stayed with him I would've been going against all the advice I gave my ex's...I would've been settling for less. He wasn't what I'm looking for. Not that I know exactly what I'm looking for. But something more.
Add to that. My visa was rejected. I need to call on Monday and see if I can get things sorted. I don't know what I'm going to do if I have to leave England. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel...purposeless. Can't sleep.
Having a conan marathon.
bit depressed...

Aloha!

How fitting that there's a word that can mean hello and goodbye, right? Good-bye to my old love, hello to the world! I've finally made a decision - I'm going to break it off. No more dragging it out, it's just avoiding the inevitable. I can't wait until I can actually pull through with this. The key question right now is when. This weekend he's coming with his brother - so it will have to be tactfully planned. Perhaps right before he goes.

Part of me is worried I won't find someone else like him again. Another part of me thinks that it's not like I haven't felt that way before - and I always did find someone else. I just can't help "what if I'm making a mistake?"

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Enough planning on that note. Onto a more romantic note - I've been helping my sister with all these honeymoon and wedding plans that for the first time in my life I'm actually thinking about my future wedding. I think I would like it to be a mix of vintage in the autumn with at least the Corpse Bride vows.

Colours will include some orange and purple - bridesmaids can pick their own dresses.

And I think that for my guestbook I'll have a book, with a polaroid camera next to it, empty picture frames and random props for people.

My dress - I'm still debating whether to just use my mum's or buy a cheap lacey one.

Who knows - I might do my own inspiration board soon... ^_^