its been a hectic week...

What a crazy week. Last Friday he asked me to ring him and straight away says he doesn't want to be friends. And then today, we're talking as if we were friends. I have no idea what the hell is going through his mind.

On the other hand, my visa is advancing slowly, but surely (at least I hope so)

My dad's surgery was cancelled, as the chemo and radiotherapy have narrowed his trachea, so they were unable to intubate him.

And finally, I saw the Planner this weekend. I love him to bits. He's one of the sweetest people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Of course, if I could only meet a guy like him, I'd be super happy. Obviously without it being him. I'm not sure why I'm so averse to the idea of us being together, but I get the impression that if we were together we would both end up being miserable. There are plenty of things I love about him. But...I'm not really his type. And there's something that's off between us if we were to even try being in a relationship. It's hard to write about this cause I'm already super confused.

He's sweet, understanding, attentive, a great listener, reasonable, clever, ambitious, just the right amount of jealous, the sex is amazing (as in seriously mind-blowing), he's caring, funny, kind, super sexy and he's always there for me. So now you're probably wondering why the hell aren't we together, right? I wish I could explain it with words. But I think it boils down to I'm not really his ideal type...so because he would be miserable, I would be miserable, and we would never last. But it's not just that, I don't think we're great at bouncing off each other in conversation...there's not much banter. We're quite alike, I guess. But we make great friends! I do love him very much as a friend...but in spite of our history, I just couldn't see myself sleeping with him or anyone else again at the moment...And definitely not a one night stand. Funny how time changes things, eh? Well, I better go to bed.

Waiting for the sunshine that follows the rain...

I broke up with him on Friday. He said nothing. No reaction at all. All he has done is message me to let me know he needs some time to digest. If I had stayed with him I would've been going against all the advice I gave my ex's...I would've been settling for less. He wasn't what I'm looking for. Not that I know exactly what I'm looking for. But something more.
Add to that. My visa was rejected. I need to call on Monday and see if I can get things sorted. I don't know what I'm going to do if I have to leave England. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel...purposeless. Can't sleep.
Having a conan marathon.
bit depressed...

Aloha!

How fitting that there's a word that can mean hello and goodbye, right? Good-bye to my old love, hello to the world! I've finally made a decision - I'm going to break it off. No more dragging it out, it's just avoiding the inevitable. I can't wait until I can actually pull through with this. The key question right now is when. This weekend he's coming with his brother - so it will have to be tactfully planned. Perhaps right before he goes.

Part of me is worried I won't find someone else like him again. Another part of me thinks that it's not like I haven't felt that way before - and I always did find someone else. I just can't help "what if I'm making a mistake?"

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Enough planning on that note. Onto a more romantic note - I've been helping my sister with all these honeymoon and wedding plans that for the first time in my life I'm actually thinking about my future wedding. I think I would like it to be a mix of vintage in the autumn with at least the Corpse Bride vows.

Colours will include some orange and purple - bridesmaids can pick their own dresses.

And I think that for my guestbook I'll have a book, with a polaroid camera next to it, empty picture frames and random props for people.

My dress - I'm still debating whether to just use my mum's or buy a cheap lacey one.

Who knows - I might do my own inspiration board soon... ^_^

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm not so sure, if I love you...

Okay I felt a bit like a teenager having a rant in the last one. So enough moping. Here are some pretty pictures of the flowers he gave me on our first date since our break up.

Love hurts...

I've just spent the last 72 hours planning six trips, out of which, only one am I going to realistically go through with. Isn't it weird how we go through such inane things in life - and to what avail? Well, at least I'm being productive, if not for myself, at least for other people. 
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Why do people take others for granted? I've never understood it. A whole year together, and six months into it I was already feeling like he was taking me for granted. Since then...he's still taking me for granted. I mean I think that's a big part of what bothered me, but what's more is the fact that I've never felt there's been any passion. It's one thing to say that passion dies down - that sort of passion can be re-ignited...but if it was never there..then what do you do?
And of course, to top it all off, a year together and he did absolutely nothing. Nothing! Can you believe it? Not even 3 weeks later, when he was reminded 3 days after...am I really that unlovable? Is it me? Am I just not worth the effort? God, if only he knew what was going through my mind. He knows the important bits, after all, I could hardly expect him to read my mind. But for him to know my pitiful vulnerable side? I think I'll pass. 
Every day I get a little bit stronger, and I convince myself I did the right thing. But the big question is still - is it meant to be temporary or permanent? Sometimes I feel we were meant to be, that we'd make a perfect couple. But if that's how much pain I'm in after a year, imagine after 5 years...and I think, you know what? I could really do without it. 
Love hurts, there's no denying that. And the more you love, the more pain and despair you'll feel. And I was head over heels in love. Now? I'm not too sure. As I said, you can't fall in love if you're not willing to take all the risks. Someone once said that Love is a bit like jumping of a building, you put all thoughts of your life before behind you and put all your trust into one other person. "It is far better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". 
You know what? He claimed that he didn't want to take the jump because he'd been hurt before (nearly 5 years ago...and he's had a few relationships since). 
He has hurt me more than anyone else before...but in spite of that, I'd be willing to take that jump again and risk that pain just to experience all the good things that come from falling in love. I'm just not sure whether I'm willing to take that risk with him again.